used to love this song. :)

You were the one
That I couldn't find
Hidden away
In the depths of my mind

Why did I let you go
You're to good to be true
I messed it up and now I don't know what to do
We ran in circles and wasted time
From right to wrong
From right to wrong

If I knew that you were mine
I wouldn't have wasted time
I wish I could erase the past
Now its all collapsed
In my lap

I over thought
So I locked up my heart yeah
There you stood
Your blue eyes hidden beneath your hood

Why did I let you go
You're to good to be true
I messed it up and now I don't know what to do
We ran in circles and wasted time
From right to wrong
From right to wrong

If I knew that you were mine
I wouldn't have wasted time
I wish I could erase the past
Now its all collapsed
In my lap

My mind is blank just like a clean slate
Will I meet another guy with the same blue eyes
And the same name, with the converse shoes I gave.
Will he have the same laugh
Wear my homemade hat.
Bet I'll make another mistake.
And think he's just another fake.

Wish I could erase the past now
Wish I could bring you back

If I knew that you were mine
I wouldn't have wasted time
I wish I could erase the past
Now its all collapsed
In my lap

If I knew that you were mine
I wouldn't have wasted time
I wish I could erase the past
Now its all collapsed
In my lap

- aly and aj (collapsed)

LOL the little school girl. see my hair? so proper kan? proper like a proper little prefect.

where for goodness' sake can you see a SEXY BABE? >:(

haha, Daphne did this AWESOMELY AMAZING (or amazingly awesome?) collage for Wena (http://www.daphniie.blogspot.com)

and I'm in it!!!

OHHHH THE HONOR!!!!!! XD

HAPPY CHINESE "NIU" YEAR

to all you people whom I love kao-kao!! :D

MWAHS MWAHS!

2009 is not a good year for me.

yet.

i'm starting to get all depressed again. to fire with all those science subjects. gah. now i have to go. prepare reunion dinner with mum (not that i do a lot, just a bit lah, hehe...)

i'm down with the sniffles now, and my throat's a little bit irritated, plus i feel weak and painful around the eyes and bones.

going Sipitang on Tuesday morning. yay. :)

but not exactly a break for me. :(

i have art to do....

no, i defy calling it art!!!

it's STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID restrictive homework that has nothing to do with the kind of art that i love. but i guess, to be good at it, i have to discipline myself to go through the bitter training.

i mean, picasso had to master logic ratios and all that before he turned to his Picasso.

so... sighs.

But Love

Another day, another sky, another chance, slipped by like this, were they easy to miss? Clouded.

Another week, another month, another year, the lives that we live, searching for anything, but love.

And all our lives we've waited, for that one thing to bring, an end to all the other things, I'm so sick of this.

And all our lives we've hidden, under those wings, wings that we've never seen. Feel like letting go, letting go, let go...

But love.

i wan eat maggi.... :(

wait til Anita go home first, then i secretly cook maggi.

ASAM LAKSA!!! i don't care whether i vomit or not, i want ASAM LAKSA!!! XD

it all started on Monday night. even the stuffed-crusted hawaiian chicken pizza couldn't do anything about it.

i was laughing away like orang gila yang semakin gila by the minute. The Pizza People seemed to enjoy the rare PDA (Public Display of Agony); i could see the wide smiles on their faces. that made me laugh even more. but they were probably forced to laugh by their pizza management.

can you imagine the suggestion box list?

cleanliness: good

food: good

wideness of smiles of pizza people: ________

anyway.

behind my facade of happiness was actually a soul dying from stomach cramps and intense nauseuos feelings.

gastric? dun-no. food poisoning? dun-no.

all i no is, if i ever so much as let a trickle of cake or economic noodles slip into my thoughts, i-

"wo yao ou liao, wo yao ou liao, bwahahahaha, wo yao ou liao, wo yao ou liao, oh, pizza sampai 'dah, wo yao ou liao, thank you!"

seriously.

my parents started to interrogate me.

what did i eat? what happened? when did it start?

i answered as innocently as i could. finally, they diagnosed me as 'gastric'. my mum looked rather upset at that. but not upset enough for her to help me buy the gastric medications. i had to walk over to Doses pharmacy and buy a RM 9.90 Histac from a mix-blooded girl named Jo.

After that was the doctor in Lido.

Do NOT go to that doctor EVER if you are a girl. Don't ask.

If I had a boyfriend who actually loved me, he'd probably go mess up the doctor's spinal cords after i tell him what happened. Serious malfunction of ethics. :(

anyway, had a terrible night. the only time i felt fine as after i vomited everything out from my stomach. it was like a clogged drain.

nothing goes down, everything goes up.

vomit, vomit, vomit. very watery vomit, though.

there was once when i kept retching but only a little solid stuff came out, and i was like, trying to control my retching because i really don't want my stomach to burst from the pressure. later blood come out, how? can you picture what my mum would do???

Perbarisan: Banned.

Drama Competition: Banned.

Youth: Partially Banned.

Camps: Banned for life because i-can't-take-care-of-myself-and-what-i-eat.

i'll be this fat girl confined in an air-conditioned room, eating oatmeal and chicken soup everyday whilst studying my brains nuts.

oh, i'm already a fat girl.

Step One: Checked.

I slept on and off yesterday (Tuesday). Nothing better to do. My whole body and painful and weak, and there was this throbbing headache. I can't even watch TV without wanting to go vomit my guts out, it was that bad.

I couldn't even think about food, but it was better than when i was in the clinic. Totally canNOT look, think about anything that has a primary fuction of going through your mouth and getting digested. ESPECIALLY CAKES AND ECONOMY MEE.

But yesterday, i had this craving for juice. Clear, light, slightly sweet juice. I really believe that, when your body has a craving, the craved food usually has something that your body needs.

In my case, i think my body needed energy and something to wash out the germs and leftovers in my stomach. so i search high and low, found ribena, and drank as much as i can handle. (one and a half cup, slightly chilled)

i felt better. (yay me!)

if i had woken up earlier this morning, i probably could go to school.

the thing was, i did not want to spend the rest of my day writhing in pain. only can sit, you know? if i need to lie down, how? and i can't really concentrate too hard (aka maths and addmath) or else sakit kepala sya.

i can't lean over to sleep on my desk because it will put pressure on my stomach. trust me, i've done that a lot of times, more than anyone else in class. i know how bad it is for your stomach. :S

alright, let's straighten things out (with a crooked ruler...).

Teras (compulsory subjects)

1. Bahasa Melayu (ok)

2. English (no problem)

3. Mathematics (fine)

4. Sejarah (ok but.)

5. Pendidikan Joke Moral (i want the ministry to write a report on 'why is Theorical Moral Education a compulsory subject in the almighty SPM KBSM?')

Science Subjects

1. Biology (oh-right.)

2. Physics (oh-kay.)

3. Chemistry (oh-no)

4. Additional Mathematics (i believe this subject expands one's mindset)

5. English Science & Technology (has acquirement of random, useful knowledge)

Art Subjects (aka potential future breadwinning tools)

1. Art (but if i take the art path after SPM, i'll have to study the theories in English again. no, i don't have a problem. just a constant irriation.)

2. English Literature (i read literature and write literature and think about literature half of my life anyway. might as well get a bonus A1 for that)

Extra Subject:

1 . Chinese (it's a requirement if i want to get into a Chinese school as a teacher,otherwise Sekolah Kebangsaan. I don't mind, but open options are always good.)

Co-Curiculum:

1. Red Team Perbarisan (i don't mind losing or winning this year, because of what Nana said. but i'm still in charge of it, and i don't want people to have a bad, or even ok-ok-lah impressions of my works, especially when it comes to art.)

2. Drama Competition (same reason as 1. also, it'd be nice to show the other Englishy schools that KKHS is not a lau-ya, cinabeng wasteland. :( we can be as good as AllSaints or LaSalle if not for the Chinese factor. you have active English. we have active Chinese and ok English. who better? :P)

3. Debate Competition (same reason as 1 and 2. and i'd like it if the school and the lembaga can give a little bit more attention to the English factor in KKHS...)

4. Mock Trial (i was planning to cut this one off, but Mdm. Suchitra adviced me to join for the certificate, whether or not we win or lose. and since we already have the experience, it should be easier this time.)

5. English Language Society (i really wanted ELS to be as good as the Chinese Society, but it will take a lot of effort. see how things go)

Other stuff:

1. Piano Practical Examination (i decided not to take the exam this year. i'll either fail and waste RM 300+, or pass and skin my SPM results. and get my skin skinned by my mum.)

2. c.o.r.e youth ("seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you" not so much for the 'all these things'. i really want God to be happy with what i do... )

verdict:

1. i am dropping Chemistry because although i like it, when compared to others, i don't have as much 'feel' for it. (with the exception of Pendidikan Moral. i have rock-bottom feel for it, but teras, so what to do?)

i am forcing myself to drop at least one subject, to make room for the other subjects. i really want to score straight A1s. Jinho can do it. Why not me? :(

but because some people are arguing that Chemistry is a vital requirement in a lot of, if not all, science-streamed careers, i'm considering taking it up again. 20% possibility.

2. i am not dropping Physics because even though i need to exhaust more effort on it, 1. i rather like Physics because it's very involved in my daily life. 2. i already have to drop Chemistry. i don't want to be left out on Physics as well. i 'kia-su'.

but still thinking about it. man, can someone make my decision for me? God, would you just type it out for me right now?...

3. worst come to worst, i drop EST as well.

4. i miss writing my novel... so much...

since i always start novels and never finished them, i guess i'll just let yall read the start of my novels. if nice then i continue. :D

this one's a random shortie, inspired by a Zak&Cody episode. :) i wanted it to be a serious one but it came out all quirky. :S anyway, hope nice larh. :D

_________________________________________________________________

Chapter One

The reason (or excuse) for why it took us so long to move to Laneway Gardens was because it was not agreed upon unanimously.

Our previous home was on the sixth floor of a badly maintained block of flat, and by ‘flat’ I mean really FLAT. The small living space posed a big problem for my twin brother Daniel, who had a sudden growth spurt (growth explosion, more like) after we hit seventeen six months ago.

He was once a scrawny, pimply faced brat. Now, he’s a scrawny, pimply faced, six-foot-four tall brat.

Daniel’s monstrosity heightened as well. The fact that he was now half a foot taller than I was did not bug me at all; if I ever shot up like that, Grandmamma’s gonna go hysterical (She’s pure Chinese). I was perfectly ignorant of Daniel’s new life until he barged in rudely.

“Can you do this? I bet you can’t do this, I betcha can’t,”

And he’d reach up to the ceiling, or grab stuff from the highest shelves like it was the most challenging thing mankind has ever encountered. Wow. Oooh. Applaud, applaud.

I was more matured, and of course I ignored him. Until he started to put everything that I usually have contact with on the top most shelves, shelves where mum keeps her ‘special occasion’ crockery. The cereal box, mugs, the chocolate tin, Smarties, Maggi…

“MUM!!”

Mum’d just raised her coffee mug to her lips and put it down again, her eyes not moving from the newspaper. “Deidre. Get a chair, don’t be lazy.”

“But MUM!! Why can’t he just put them back on the table?!”

“Look, Deidre,” Daniel would lean forward over his bowl of dry Koko Krunch, sighing as though I was a little kid who had just asked the same question again and again. And again.

Okay, I did, but I was not a little kid.

“This is a small dining table. You know how mum hates this small table cluttered up, messy yeah? Se, no where to put her newspaper, her arms will get tired. Pity mum lah. So I put the stuff up there laah, where else, right? So get a chair, don’t be lazy.”

It was sad that I could not reach the potato on top of his neck anymore, but it was quicker for my teeth to lash out at his arms, since they were almost parallel to each other, so that evened things out.

Daniel did not cry. Instead, he chose the scene of a hero whose legs had just been chopped off. “I’ll be okay, mum, it’s—it’s fine, I’m oh—okay, really, mum, don’t—don’t worry…”

My laptop was taken away, and I was grounded, until the bite marks on Daniel’s left arm were healed.

“Not very long, then!” I yelled at the door. “Small, SMALL punctures only what!! Baby!”

It was not long before retribution. Daniel’s feet stuck out over the end of his short bed. Also, he had to duck down every time he wanted to go through a doorway, or get hit in the forehead. Sixteen times, I’ve counted; Daniel can be so forgetful, especially whilst having fun insulting me.

“You call that a skirt? Or did you steal something from the hot air balloon g—”

Pawf!! Can you see the red bull’s-eye?

***

Dad had certain issues with the management of the flat. Anger issues. Mum disliked the environment of the flat; the playground was a living museum of vandalism, our neighbors are fans of midnight happy-hours, and we find pee on the stairways almost every morning. Of human origin.

Dad had tried bringing these issues up to the management of the flat. That led to said anger issues.

We had asked our parents about how we ended up here. It turned out that even though very small, the flat was once a very neat, safe place, more than seventeen years ago. So they chose to live here after they got married.

But still. Weren’t they expecting kids?

“I just started work back then, okay?” Dad had said, slightly flustered.

The pee and the midnight rackets were barely tolerable for me. Other than that, I was really miffed that I could not have gatherings or parties at home.

“Not like you would.” Daniel raised an eyebrow when he overheard me whining about how tiny our home was to dad.

I so would. Not often, maybe twice a year or so, but I would.

Daniel was the only one who did not mind staying. He actually loved the place, since there were shops and a mall nearby, where he could spend his time at. Also, he’d made many friends. Some of them, I’m sure, were major contributors to the living museum of vandalism.

But like I said, our small living space started to really bother the brat and his bruised potato, until at last, he gave the green light.

So, that’s how the move to Laneway Gardens was agreed upon unanimously.

Chapter Two

I would not be able to describe the neighborhood of Laneway Gardens in detail. All I knew was that there was a playground, a small community hall, trees and nice terrace houses with blue and red roof tiles, complete with nice neighbors who came out to help with the moving. Mum was really touched and said that they ‘moved her to tears’.

Only dad laughed.

I stayed inside our new home during the two busy days, mainly because Daniel got the best room. It was spacious and was on the ground floor; both of us were sick of small, ‘comfy’ spaces and stairs.

Especially stairs.

I got a semi-spacious room on the second floor. I would have been very happy with it, except for the journey that I had to take up and down the stairs. Mum and dad said that it would be ‘safer’ on the second floor.

Safe? From WHAT? Floods?

“You never know.”

So I stayed in and sulked instead of exploring our new neighborhood. I know, very immature, but whenever I look at the stairs, anger boils within me.

The logical thing to do would be to go out, away from the stairs, then, right? But that would mean seeing Daniel, and boiling anger shall no longer boil; it shall spew out through my mouth like blood.

Technically, it was safer on the second floor. No stairs visible, no king and king-sized brat visible, just me and my stuff.

Except for that one thing. That small frayed book under the desk was not my stuff.

I crawled under the desk and reach out for the book. Though the plastic on the hard covers was scratched up, it was rather clean, not a speck of dust on it. Not surprising, I guess, since the wooden-tiled floor was squeaky clean too. I sat up and browsed through the small book. Immediately I recognized the ‘diary entry format’ thing that I learnt in class, with the dates on top and a first person viewpoint. A diary!

A tidy diary. The handwriting looked like a classical font, with long loops and an even slant to the right. There were small pictures pasted to the pages, notes, dry flowers and a few assorted bookmarks. On the inside of the back cover was a small pocket, where some photographs were inserted into. Everything was nicely done, but not overly organized. Must be a girl’s.

I did not really examine the diary, and obviously I did not read it; a stranger’s privacy was still privacy, yeah?

So I left it on the desk, and finished unpacking my things before going downstairs for dinner. Stairs.

***

Daniel burst out from his room. Keith and Leann looked up at their son in mid-talk over dinner. Deidre ignored him, her eyes glued to the television; a documentary on hamsters.

But it was her whom Daniel made an irritated beeline for. “Where’s it?!”

Deidre only acknowledged his presence when Daniel stood in front of the telly. She looked at him coldly. “Finally noticed your brain’s missing?”

“My wallet,” Daniel said through gritted teeth.

“I dunno. Now move over, the hamster’s more interesting than your crotch.”

“Deidre!” Daniel yelled. She winced. “Deidre you b****—”

“Daniel!” Keith stood up and gave an even louder yell. “Watch your mouth! And Deidre, you’d better change your attitude!”

Deidre stood up furiously, the top of her head only reaching Daniel’s chin. “Look I don’t know where your stuff is!”

“You stole it to pay back for me getting that room!”

“Daniel! It’s probably somewhere in your room,” Leann walked over. “Go and check.”

“I did!! I checked again and again!”

“Check again.” Keith said. Daniel threw Deidre a dirty look, and stormed off, muttering. The two parents turned to their daughter, whose face looked as black as her twin’s. “Deidre, did you?”

“Of course not.” Deidre said to the floor, annoyed. “You know I’d never steal.”

“You won’t, but you’re infamous for taking revenge on Daniel. Both of you are.” Keith sighed. “Deidre, please try to— no. Please try not to raise your voice, no matter how angry you are at Daniel, just control it. Fights in the family are very ugly things to see.”

“Or maybe it’s just him.” Deidre muttered.

“You look just like him, Deidre?” Leann said, raising her eyebrow. “And unfortunate or not, you’re family. Stop fighting or we’ll have to ground both of you until Christmas.”

“Fine.” Deidre said, and walked off. It was not like she had anyone to celebrate it with anyway; all her bestfriends were away.

Back in her room, Deidre sat down on her bed, looking around helplessly. Normally, she’d be playing her guitar, but it was broken; she accidentally dropped it yesterday from the stairs. Urgh. Books? No, not in the mood. She’d like to go bake something, but the oven was not properly installed yet. Television was best. But she’d rather count sheep than face her parents’ lecture on sibling love.

Deidre looked at the black book. She had heard her parents talk about the previous inhabitants of this house before. It was owned by some rich guy, but he lived in a bungalow some place else. The tenants here included a college girl, a working lady, a father and his son. Perhaps the book belonged to the college girl? Deidre was sure that it could be returned to her, and it should be; it looked really well-kept and treasured. Maybe her contact number would be in the diary.

Deidre opened the cover, and began searching for contact details. But her eyes fell upon a few words on the first page, and subconsciously, she started to read.

Dear Pierre, by the time you’ve found this, I shall have disappeared. Please do not worry, I’m safe. This is a $10 notebook, worthless. But I know you, and I wish that by the time I return, this notebook would be priceless. Anything that you’d say to me, say to this. Anything that you’d show me, show to this. Paper and ink do not amount to much, but when you sincerely mean the words you write, you’ll find yourself. I’m sorry to have left like this, but I’ll return, and my motivation would be to see the life you’ve lived during my absence, to read this book, to know who you have become. And only you know who that will be. I love you so much. Mother.

The handwriting became messier towards the end, as though written in haste. Deidre stared. What was this? Disappeared? “Nancy Drew?” Deidre murmured subconsciously, turning the page, half expecting fine print and the start of a mystery story, published by Penguins.

But it was not. There they were, words scrawled on tidily, the handwriting that filled most of the book.

It’s been 27 days. I really don’t know what to say. Angry? Hurt? This is beyond words. But I trust mother.

We’re now in Bangkok, and I’m stuck in a filthy motel. Even now I can see a cockroach running under the bed. Why can’t father get us a better room? I don’t see why not, he has the cash.

Father had just looked at what I’m doing, I think he knows. He knows more than I do, actually. Isn’t it easier if he could just be like mother? I have to think about my ‘emotions’ to write, this isn’t homework. Homework is easy, I miss school very much. Strange, I used to write thousands of words a day but now, my hand’s beginning to feel cramped. My legs are. I was following father the entire day, with no idea where he was going. I tried asking, but he won’t tell.

I really don’t like this. I think something dangerous is going on.

Father’s bringing me out for dinner. It’s almost midnight.

Deidre hesitated, before flipping to the last entry.

Again.

I’ll miss this place, especially Kay. I’m wondering whether to tell them. Renee won’t be happy. I shouldn’t tell them. Problems, and father really has a lot of those right now. I shouldn’t add on.

When, I’m not sure though. Father’s not telling me, but he did tell me to pack and get ready to leave immediately. Again.

Kay… Renee… Deidre turned back a few pages, scanning the words until she found their descriptions.

Moved into Laneway Gardens today. A very normal, calm neighborhood. I hope we can stay long here. I took the smaller bedroom on the second floor. The view out the window is nice.

I met a few friends. It was rather funny. The kids snuck into our backyard and looked through the kitchen window as I was brushing my teeth over the sink. I choked on toothpaste. Of course I let them in, and father did not say anything so I brought them into my room to chat.

Kay said that since we did not go out at all after we came, they had no choice but to sneak in, for us to meet. I was glad that they did.

Kay Williams is a year younger than I am. He’s a Sino, Sabahan, with Eurasian blood. He’s the leader of the pack, I guess, and has this very contagious laugh. By the sound of his voice, I knew that Kay could sing well. It’s probably the first time I’ve met someone so comfortable to be around with. His words just come out right. Also, Kay looked extremely sincere, like an open book.

One of the younger girls, Renee, she’s rather weird. She hung on to my arm and kept calling me darling. Afterwards Kay told me that she has ADD, but with me her attention seemed to overflow enough. She’s cute, I guess, and the way she has a crush on me. I don’t mind, this is the first time any girl has liked me so much before.

Deidre smiled. Behind that page was a small picture. Deidre studied it. Four boys, five girls. One of them must be Pierre. Kay, Renee, who else?

Deidre turned back, and continued reading again.

By the time her watch showed three, Deidre had finished the entire book, and fell asleep with her heart beating fast.

happy new year everyone. :)

Coffee is now on my near left, whining with his paws on the window still. He doesn't like the

'piiiiuuuuu...... BANG!!!'

whateva.

went to the 2nd hand shop near parkson grand just now (by the way, that place is really in bad shape. no wonder loads of shops closed down.)

saw loads and loads and LOADS of books. but instead of making me excited and super-glue my butt to the floor (the butt which had increased in size), it made me feel nauseous and bad. Because they reminded me of my own novel. :(

no time to write larh...

AND DON'T GIVE ME THAT 'MAKE TIME' poop.

no such thing as make time, there's only 'adjust time' but my schedule recently is so tight that i can't adjust anything aside for my novel without screwing my hands to the schedule itself.

and i have no idea what i just typed.

2009 gonna be an exciting year. i hope. i really want to live everyday to the fullest by living it for eternity.

it's like preparing for a long, long journey.

you won't want to miss anything out,

and you won't want to bring too much extra baggage.

anyway, to my darlings:

Melissa, Pearl, Daphne, Nana, Stanely, Rowena, Aubrey,

may your lives be wonderfully blessed!!!

SPM coming, so what?

So PANIC LAH!!! (at the disco)

no, no, no. We calmly face danger and even though we shall be butchered, slaughtered, and dipped into chicken fondue (oh my, what language), we will still emerge triumphant.

Imagine getting straight A1s.

All the praise, all the admiration, all the commendations.

Most importantly of all, all the PRIZE MONEY!!! possibilities opened for your future~!! :D

To my youth friends: Tasha, Berto, Cecilia, Jinho, Kiren, Rina, Samantha, Rizwil, Kak Yee, Jane...

Especially to those who had grown up in Christ with me, :)

Tribulations are going to come sneakily and divide us.

But I can see us putting our fingertips onto stone-cold walls, and even before we touch them, the walls will divide. If only we have enough faith to stretch out our hands when no one else does.