I can't sleep. There's City Run tomorrow, at 6.30am. Have to wake up at 5.40am. I better go to bed now but I don't think I can. I feel kinda disgusted.

So much to say but I can't say it here. I'll only end up deleting things and wishing I'd never posted them.

Am I such a good actress? And what the heck am I doing anyway? I'm supposed to be on an abstinence, until graduation.

Of all of them you had to set your heart on them. Why? You don't even know.

Love's not blind, dweeb. Unlike you.

Maybe it's a lesson. Next time you think about how painful it is before you do this to someone else.

It's not that painful. Not like I wanna suicide or cry. Okay, maybe I do want to cry. But just a bit. And I want to scream, and I'm a little pissed off at myself. I used to be so thick-hearted. What happened? What did they do? Why did they make me fall so hard?

Did I fall, even? I'm not even sure. A temporary feeling? I don't know. Like I said, I'm a stupid girl. I thought I was the strongest amongst my friends when it comes to these things.

Yeah, right. Look what happens now when you let your guard down? Go on, go play with fire. Go burn yourself. See, nice, black, painful burns to keep as souvenirs.

I hate this. I'll probably delete this post soon. See. I deleted most of it. I might delete the rest that you see here now.

Okay, stop focusing on the problem. What's the solution?

IGNORE THEM UNTIL MONDAY and if I'm still hurting AVOID THEM but if I accidentally see them JUST SMILE AS HAPPILY AS YOU CAN, WAVE AND SAY HI as though you're not about to burst into tears.

Simple.

another rant.

i'm listening to Fall Out Boy right now. Coffee's for Closers. Hm. I rarely drink coffee nowadays. I love my sleep too much.

I feel mildly confused. Just a little, but enough to irritate me.

For the first time in a long time, probably the first time since Ka Howe, a guy I barely know can make me feel frightened. I hate this. :(

i love this. i got it from Jeffrey's Facebook. XD

some pictures i took from MelC's friendster.

from the left: MelC, Melia, Daphne, Lucky, Rowena (the birthday girl), Stanely, James, Aubrey.

all together working on the red team flag last year.

On Sports Day itself, I think, last year.

coffee's for closers- fall out boy.

coffee's for closers- fall out boy.

I can't explain a thing
I want everything
To change and stay the same on top
Doesn't care about anyone or anything
Now come together, come apart
Only get loaded when you read the charts
Oh baby, when they made me
They broke the mold
Girls used to follow me around
Then I got cold

Throw your cameras in the air
And wave 'em like you just don't care

I will never believe in anything again
I will never believe in anything again
Oh change will come
Oh change will come
I will never believe in anything again

We never believe again
Kickdrum beating in my chest again
Oh we will never believe again
Preach electric to a microphone stand

I'm a mascot for what you've become
And oh oh I love the mayhem more than the love
And oh baby, when they made me
They broke the mold
Girls used to follow me around
When I got cold

Throw your cameras in the air
And wave 'em like you just don't care

I will never believe in anything again
I will never believe in anything again
Oh change will come
Oh change will come
I will never believe in anything again

haha. finally updated my blog-layout. :D

spent quite some time on this too. i feel somewhat guilty. i 'stole' the 'diversions' urls (aka our friends' blog urls) from her blog.

not stealing, but... still. i've just discovered that this new layout does not allow for comments.

ahh... what the heck, i don't get comments. and i don't mind, so it's okay as long as there's a chatbox there. easy and nice.

the title of this layout is 'drunkendance'...

at first i was a bit hesitant. dont want to promote drunkenness. but then again i like the 'dance' part.

not bad... today's youth discussion was on BUMMERS.

as in, trials in life, no matter how big or small.

i cursed recently, because someone threw all my stuff down on the floor. i got pissed off. but i shouldn't have cursed. repeatedly again tu. :(

________________________________________________________________

things that i've realized in the past week:

1. Forget about the perfect guy. Unless God Himself mold me Mr. Perfect from dust, I will never find someone who loves God, is gorgeously tall, like to talk deep things with me which will bore off other people, and read thick thick, 'meaningful' books. Or any books for that matter. What's wrong with guys these days, books are cool lah. >:(

(i can hear some people coughing there, haha.)

2. You get high hopes, get hurt, and get over it. this is the true circle of life, Simba.

sometimes we do stupid things.

like a friend of mine who clearly knows that she should have just ignored a certain problem, which was actually not very big, but went and did something so out of the way that now, trying to justify herself, she's sinking deeper.

like me, who can't keep my big, fat mouth shut. i just had to poke around in other people's businesses and now i've probably sent someone to his suicide death.

maybe i'll update again. depends on how long i'll online tonight. i want to start my novel. again. i'm such a loser.

but i don't know why i feel better after naming myself a loser. loser sounds rather cool, actually. i'm being serious.

everytime i see him i think my heart morphs into this:

i've decided to delete the original post that i've posted here. XD if you haven't read it then too bad. :P

but seriously, whenever i see Nicholas Tay i really do feel somewhat cheered up.

no i don't have a crush on him.

life's good to me recently, but my heart isn't for some reason and i keep falling into these big, dark holes of misery.

so it's nice to have this immediate panadol effect to relieve me of those heavy feelings. :D no idea why Nicholas can achieve that.

Maybe he's just kinda blur and carefree like that, so it affects me. maybe i rarely meet this kind of people, you know, the kind that seem to smile all the time. he gives me the impression of a guy who's trying to be serious and cool but then is totally whacked out and blurry. like, "what a cute idiot."

i'm so mean.

appreciate him lah, macam nasi goreng special. :)

now ngam ngam i wanna go shower.

... and i don't feel so good after reading daphne's post on the movie Watchmen/man(?). explain later. now shower. i stink stink.

new song!! :D

everything's so wrong, nothing's going right,

feeling so left out, you're being emo tonight,

but you learn to forget it,

because what the heck, life's not meant to be perfect

they talk talk talk like there's nothing to talk about

and it's you you you like there's no one else around,

but you know it's alright,

even though it hurts,

at least you know you've got lessons to learn

unlike them, you're strong,

unlike them, you grow up,

when they see you again, one day, i know that they'll shut up.

you don't shine, but you're gold inside,

you get beat up, but you stand up everytime,

and i see something in your eyes,

that makes me smile.

your heart gets broken, and your spirit suffers,

there are tears in your eyes, but you focus on laughter,

it's difficult, but that's why i love it,

when you smile, sunshine.

Despite originally auditioning as the drummer, and having no previous experience singing in a band, he became the somewhat reluctant lead singer after his vocal range was discovered.

In a Rolling Stone interview with Stump, Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds said of him, "Patrick is one of the baddest dudes I've seen in a long time... He has a great voice -- very soulful."

In Fall Out Boy, Stump writes the majority of the music for the band, while bassist Pete Wentz writes the majority of the lyrics.

Guitarist Joe Trohman said of Stump, "I guess Patrick is some kind of musical genius - he's a total mad scientist."

I have another guy to add to my list of favorite voices, Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy. :D I've previously liked Pete Wentz, until I, well, saw more of him.

Patrick Stump seems cool. :)

He's 25 this year, and mixed songs for other bands like Good Charlotte and Bowling For Soup.

Listening to the song 'Headfirst' again and again and again, I got curious about the voice (which i grew to like really much).

In case you guys are wondering (in case, which i doubt so), my favorite voices list includes (order unimportant):

1. Ryan Key (YellowCard)

2. Jesse McCartney

3. Miley Cyrus initially i thought she had this deep, strong voice. i don't know why i changed my mind.

4. Patrick Martin Stump!haha...

yeah, here are some quotes from him that i found on facebook

(link: http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=15494434589&topic=5163)

”Every day you've got to wake up and be yourself”
”Even though you suck?”
”Especially if you suck. 'Cause no one else sucks like you suck!”

"I played with My Chemical Romance once, at Warped tour. I played a song with them on drums. It was awesome. I was really nervous though because I hadn't played drums in, like, 5 years. I'm sitting in this little trailer, like a backstage room, and I'm sitting there and I'm practising my ass off and Gerard's like, "dude! It's OK, man, calm down!", and I'm like "NO NO NO! I haven't played in FIVE YEARS! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!". I took it really seriously and the song's, like, two minutes long."

"I gain weight if I eat an apple,"

"I've had to stand on a box.. which isn't in the least emasculating 'cause i'm not short.. um.. and uh.. yeah I sweat alot... alot, alot. little sweaty guy"

"I don't look like i'd be that good. But I'm amazing"

"Nintendo DS makes me forget that I don't have any friends"

"..again I can't tell if I like it or not, but it's nice to feel something for music even if it's like disgust and horror..."

"Whoever's in charge of my Wikipedia, alright, whoever you are - the major, most egregious thing in there isn't that, you know, apparently I'm bisexual and have like, twenty kids and, um, that I learned everything I know from a sixteen-year-old who probably wrote that in himself, but the most egregious of all the errors is that it says I am a massive David Bowie fan. Which is true, but it is a gross omission to leave out my obsession with Prince. Absolutely. So whoever you are, throw that in there. Go for it. You know what? Make me eighty feet tall. And you know, make me a transsexual. But put in Prince."

my favorite Patrick Stump quote:

"One of my problems is I can't be around art without trying to participate in it. I can't read because it makes me want to write. By chapter five of something, I've written more than I've read. Music is the same way. Walking down the street, if something's blasting out of somebody's car, I have to write something immediately. There's something natural about attempting something and missing the mark tremendously and coming up with something different. It's a huge part of music and art." -Patrick Stump

gosh. he'd put into words what i've been trying to express since i was eleven.

grateful for internet.

thanks to daphne. :D for the nice nice songs!

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love. (x2)
She is love, and she is all I need.
She's all I need.

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,
And she waited patiently.
It was all the same, all my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love. (x3)
She is love, and she is all I need. (x3)-

parachute (she is love)

i want a philosopher, a dreamer, someone who thinks about the universe, someone who will spend his time in libraries and bookshops.

i want someone who takes notice of details, and take little things seriously, like i do.

i want someone who will be honest with me, and trust that i will love him no matter what the truth is.

i want someone who will change me for the better, and encourage me in my walk with God.

i want someone who will dance with me.

i want someone who will question his feelings for me.

i want someone who will examine his thoughts about me.

i want someone who will do random, spontaneous little things.

i want someone who will love my bestfriends.

i want someone who appreciates simple beauties.

i want someone who will cry and hug his mother.

i want someone who wants to be his father's son.

i want someone who remembers.

i want someone who can lead me.

someone to just love me.

chatting with her, i realized something that had always been there.

and looking at the unfinished dinner on the table, i felt like giving my mum a hug.

now i see your name there, but i don't keep staring at it anymore,

thinking about the songs you play, and wondering what they mean,

and i don't change my personal messages, thinking that you'd be reading them,

because i know that you won't, and the songs you play, don't mean anything anymore.

i'm not over it, how can i be?

when you once said that you loved me?

and all those words i've said before, i meant them.

too late, you're already a part of me.

it's okay, just think of it as a mere memory.

erase it if you want, but i still have a copy.

yeah, you should forget about it, delete everything.

get married to her, your sweet little duckling.

to be honest, you're just an acquaintance now,

because i don't dare to contact you, and vice versa too. not even an SMS, now that's pathetic.

but i can do nothing because you're the one with a new girl, not me.

anyway, i don't regret what we had. you probably do, but i don't.

because i know that whatever that i've been through, makes me who i am now.

if i regret you, then i regret myself.

you've been a great teacher, don't you know?

i guess you don't, won't want to, and never will. i really hope that you'd spend forever with this one.

because you've been together a long time, it's not right to break something like that.

and frankly, i still care enough that you don't have too many memories to delete.

because i've learnt that the record will never, ever be clean.

i'll keep my promise and wait till graduation.

i'll feel so proud of myself, yes, i'm pathetic.

but at least i keep promises.

have to finish memorizing BM lisan first, before i start doing anything else. GOO MELIA SHOO!!

after eight minutes...

YES!! memorized, haha. let's see if i can type it out here without looking back.

BUKU TEKS BM m/k 77 (of course i did not memorize this one lah...)

Pembangunan negara yang pesat telah menyebabkan kemasukan pekerja asing. Kebanyakan mereka berasal dari Indonesia, Filipina, Myanmar, Bangladesh, Laos, India, Thailand dan ____________. Mereka datang kerana negara kita membangun degan rancak dan menawarkan peluang pekerjaan yang banyak. Tambahan pula, keadaan pembangunan negara mereka sering terjejas akibat pergolakan politik, bencana alam, rusuhan, peperangan dan sebagainnya. Sebagai contoh, pembangunan yang pesat di PutraJaya telah menyebabkan pekerja-pekerja asing dari negara jiran berlumba-lumba datang ke negara kita. (this next sentence i cut off because synonym).

Selain itu, pendatang asing suka datang ke negara kita kerana nilai mata wang negara kita tinggi. Apabila mereka memperoleh gaji daripada majikan, nilainnya lebih tinggi jika ditukarkan kepada mata wang negara mereka. Sebagai contoh, jika ditukarnya RM 47.oo kepada Rupiah, mereka akan mendapat Rp 10, 000. Selain mendapat keuntungan dari segi pertukaran mata wang, mereka dapat menggunakan wang di negara mereka dengan membeli barang-barang yang jauh lebih murah daripada barang-barang di negara kita. Hal inilah yang menjadi salah satu daya tarikan mereka untuk mencari nafkah di negara kita.

YAY!! not perfect but at least got lah. my memory not that good. XD

if i'm in Amanah, wah, SEI LO. you know theirs has to be like more than 3 minutes? (last year 4B also like that ah, the teacher, but in the end also she didn't mind if less than 3 minute. use to scare us only bah tu)

pearl's one was three times as much as mine oh!! GAH.

got it from nana's blog

OCTOBER :

loves to chat . loves those who loves them . loves to take things on the center . inner and physically beauty . lies but doesn't pretend . gets angry often . treats friends importantly . always making friends . easily hurt but recovers easily . daydreamer . opinionated . does not care of what others think so wrong . emotional . decisive . strong clairvoyance . loves to travel , the arts of literature . touchy and easily jealous . concerned . loves outdoors . just and fair . spendthrift . easily influenced . easily loses confidence . loves children .

everyone is getting married.

well, not everyone, but hey, there has been around five to six weddings in the past two months only.

anyway. i really wanna wanna write my novel. gah. i'm resenting SPM very much. just wanna get it over with.

i really appreciate my friends very much. :D

all of them!!

right now, i have a few shout outs to make for a few people for a few things that they did that gave me the few reasons i had to smile recently. :D

Daphne: always so quiet wan, so when she does laugh or say anything, very precious, tau? :) thanks for your support and cheerful, shot shot punya SMS! :D

Melissa: Shot Girl number one. she's opposite of Daphne, i think. she's crazy and cheerful in person, but in SMS, fuiyoh, cool sai man. like those tai jie sitting at the table surrounded by her gang. thank you for being so open and trusting me with things. :)

Nana: naive girl who actually sees more than you think, actually. she surprised me a few times with deductions that i thought she'd never think of. you don't know it, but you've taught me a few lessons. :) thank you!

Keele: chocolate supplier number one. always let me bully him. he's the only person that i ever bullied till so cham in high school (primary school is Brian Tham) because he never gets angry, but on the other hand, retaliates back instead of being all nice and sweet, which makes things fun. haha. i've just realized that he's even deeper than we give him credit for. don't play play oh, this diam-diam punya ubi knows how to psycho-analyze stuff. :)

excerpt. :)

all i saw at first was a figure leaning over the giant oak-wood table, with his arms over the ancient surface, fingertips touching, barely, but touching nevertheless. he was waiting.

it was unnerving how pale his skin was, and for a second, my mind registered a marble statue, a masterpiece. It contrasted violently with the soft jacket, a deep hue of blue, and his dark hair, which fell down gently, shadowing his eyes and nose.

Only his lips showed.

It was not until I noticed them that my blood started to run cold. They were like teardrops, and under the dim moonlight, glowed an eerie reddish-pink.

Then he looked up.

Shadows will run from him whose

Eyes see into yours truly; silence that spoke.

It was a terrifying feeling, but i did not let go. I'd have finally found the answer to the only memory I had of my past.

He was just waiting there, looking at me from the top of his eyes. His face was still tiled downwards. I hesitated.

"I'm Ledge."

He lifted his head up fully. This time, the look from his eyes were different. As though he was... Almost sad...

Then he smiled. "Nice to meet you. You can call me Vine."

i'm charging my iPod now (it's connected to the CPU) so i thought, why not go online for a while?

and Ares is not working. :(

this week was rather good, except for a few exceptionally LOW LOW LOW points in my mood.

not PMS.

i was sleeping late these few nights for various reasons (excuses much?), at around 12 midnight plus.

and since i'm already having sleeping problems (i think i have excessive sleepiness disorder or what), five hours and forty minutes of sleep every night make things worse.

i slept like there's no tomorrow (or no teacher) in class, and it hurt my abdomen, because when i lean forward like that (around ninety degrees loh...) my stomach gets crumpled and pressured inside.

the teachers were nice, they let me sleep without further questions. but if i continue like that...

anyway, i was tired and sleepy, and all i wanted to do was get home and sleep properly for one or two hours before going out again until night time. But guess what?

"What?"

Oh, nothing. Just that i found out I have tuition from 12.30pm to 2.30pm, and by 3.30pm i have to go out already.

happy!!! :D...

i don't know what i felt. angry? at who? sad? not really. frustrated? maybe.

all i know is that, as I look at the ADDITIONAL MATH questions (to hell with them) i felt this intense hatred towards math and add math and all thing involving numbers, equations, and ultimately SPM. (Saya Pergi Mati.) i felt like dropping everything except languages, art and literature. i felt like i wanted to throw things and smash stuff. but mostly i felt like crying, so i did, in the toilet.

some people (adults) scoff and say that I can't have time for 'zhen jing' (serious) things like studying and revision, but i can have time for blogging, chatting, drawing, writing novels, music, play, television, games...

seriously, who defines what is 'zhen jing' and what is not? i get SPM straight As, big whoop, i'm still going to be an Engilsh teacher, set up stage backdrops, maintain my own blog, play music, write a novel...

yes, of course i really want to get straight As, who doesn't? but that's me. if i study study study and get straight As, i'll still come back to Form Six because i'll have missed out so much on high school things.

i think i'm about to drop everything. STOP SMILING about it, Lego. :(

so much to say... but i know if i attempt to say it all here, my mum will throw it all out the window.

including my social life.

ah well, anyway, guess what? even after a heavy breakfast, i was still lighter than my normal weight! :D that made me rather happy.

i know, i know, it's kinda shallow, obsessing being concerned about my weight like that, but i can't help it. i'm beginning to feel fed up of all those jerks ignorant fools people who diss me or don't pay that much attention to me because i'm not a_____________.

okay, maybe i myself contributed a bit to the lackluster of my social life. i say no to a lot of things that other girls would say 'hell yeah' to.

this is boring, i know. man, i miss laptops.