productive juga lah, today in school. totally did not go for classes.

if we win tomorrow's two matches... then thursday... gone.

win thursday.... FRIDAY FINAL.

classes also gone.

but who cares about classes if you can win INTERSCHOOL DEBATE?

OMGOSH. but that's too much to ask for. :) i'll be happy winning tomorrow's two matches. losing semi finals is okay.

if i ever join a band (IF) it'd be cool to turn the stereotypical casting around. a girl drummer, a girl bassist, a guy playing the keyboard... i mean, hey. girls can play the drums and look cute doing it too. :) why not?

too much debaing. we went mental.

debate is so not cool. :(

unless we win. then it's fine. :D

yeah right. :(

Parvisher said her friend from Tun Fuad, who is gonna meet us this Wednesday in "THE BATTLE" said that they haven't prepared, don't know how, forgot this, forgot that, kept asking her how to start the speech...

Ahh... KKHS students might suck at English language intellectual competitions but we're not stupid. Nor are we naive.

On a different plane... i've only realized how nerdish i looked. like those typical nerd girls i see in school, and after i saw my pictures in nana's cam i was like, omgosh i'm one of them.

thanks to the FASHIONABLE eyewear and FASHIONABLE hair (fashionable as in EVERYONE ELSE HAS THEM) i don't kow what's gotten in to me this year. no more miss melia's special identity. no more princess curls, no more thin-rimmed glasses. heck i'm even begining to like pink.

OH wait, that was last year.

i will just try to squeeze in as many words as i can type as possible until mummy finds out and...

well, the second i find out that she found out that i'm on the computer, i'll just switch it off. it's not wise to wait until 'and...'

experience, people.

Jinho should be back by now. Good. :D not that life here's horribly dull without him, but he does up the smilingness factor (i couldn't find a proper word to use so i made one up. joy? he's not messiah. fun? church's not only for fun. happy? we're still happy without him)

my brother just confided in my mum that he cried because i refused to go out and play with him, whereas Kiren took him out and bought him a Naruto glove.

he thinks i don't know.

ahh... how sweet... he's miserable because he thinks Kiren's replacng me as a sister. of course i feel a bit jealous, but hey, when i think about how Kiren is about HER younger sister..

Not that Kiren doesn't love her, but... Jerry'd better be thankful he got ME as a sister. Kiren'd have posted him to the millatery by now, all the frustrating rudeness he produces for me to stand since he learnt how to talk.

speak of the mouse, he just came into the room with his PSP.

we have one thing in common: we stare into square screens in our sister's room, hiding out from mummy.

difference is that i have a more difficult time since the computer's heavy and i can't lug it around or put it on stand-by for the whole day; Jerry can easily hide his darling under his shirt, or put it on hold until he can use it safely again.

the light is out in Sophia's room. i really don't like this, it's uncomfortable.

melissa just IMed me about debate.

why did i get myself into that? WHY?

oh, Melia, you know, for the glory, for the certificates, for the glory and, hm, what else? for the glory.

i really resent my kia-su self. T_____T

i wonder how depression feels like.

i KNOW i'm really blessed, i have a home, food, a family, a safe country to live in, and i AM THANKFUL. BE THANKFUL CARMELIA~!!

wrench that beating organ out, throw it down and stamp stamp STAMP.

results so far:

1. English: 88%

(disappointment. T^T for the second time this year, i did not get the highest for the only subject that i have hope in getting highest in. NANA got highest: 96%

of course, i don't really mind. oh, pshaw, SERIOUSLY i don't =='' i only want the best subject award at the end of the year :P who doesn't like cash, fame and certificates?

i had fun faking laments about this during class, and tormenting Chang Sin Fung because of his wondrous performance (as usual, he's a boy-wonder). Heck, his English got higher marks than i did. it was funny how he and Fiona tried to cheer me up. "...you still got A mah... you only careless mah... aiya, only test mah... aiya, test not real proof of your talents mah..." XD)

2. Bahasa Melayu: 70%

(a lot of people did not get credit for this, and frankly speaking i was lucky- no, make that BLESSED, to get this high score. you know why? because this saves my face. T__T

i've heard teachers saying that "Carmelia is really a language oriented student." which justifies my horribly dig-into-the-ground low results for the science/math subjects. so i NEED to get good grades for at least the three language subjects, otherwise no more 'language-oriented' excuse for me to hide behind.)

3. Math 57%

(looks okay to you? at least credit lah, right? :D

Daphne got 100% though. GAH!! T___T how did she DO IT??)

4. Additional Math: 20%

(ahh... the teacher did not look very happy as she single-handedly handed me my work of art. it looked good on the first page, a lot of ticks. but never judge an exam paper by its first page. T____T

i did not know what i was doing. Keele was staring at one of my long, tedious answers and asked me what 'that' was.

"my working to the question."

he who rarely laughs out loud, burst out laughing out loud.)

5. Chemistry: 14%

(ahhh... this was the subject that i wanted to drop. i almost managed to get away with it, but then they discovered me and placed me back into the chemical world by telling me to 'keep half of your sky open'

which means if i drop chemistry, i'll totally lose options to further studies in medical sciences. i don't regret NOT dropping it. we went for a talk on biotechnology, and well, it's rather interesting.

although i don't suppose i'll give up art or literature to study even more chemical equations...)

a lot of people seemed troubled recently, and i guess it's about the results... i won't be able to understand them. i guess my teachers and my parents don't put that much pressure on me.

they don't need to, actually. for the same reason i stuffed myself into the freaking scientific science stream: i'm 'kia-su' well,

i got to go. time limit on my online time. i was supposed to google other things but i ended up on my blog. i guess i just needed a place with the right to say whatever i want. here, it's my turf. my blog, my place. i feel so at home here.

hmm... i don't know what's going on. i think there's something wrong happening that i don't know about. sejuk. =S

but everything will be alright again. :) they always do.

i vaguely remember being in the car while my dad went to buy something from the supermarket. after some time i panicked, being locked in the car and all. did i cry and hit at the windows? did people come over to see what was the matter? alarmed at the little girl locked in the car? i'm not sure, i don't think so. before long my dad returned. hastily? if so, i did cry and panic. but was that all?

there was another time, my aunt Joyce brought me to this office-looking place. There was a small play corner, and i vaguely remember climbing in, up, under various play contraptions... and i got lost inside. i panicked. then she started calling my name, and i went towards her voice, and made my way out. i think she was comforting me, as i finally climbed out. was i crying? was the play corner really as i remember it now? did we go for some unknown, fast food place after that? i seem to remember grayish wall-tiles with burger adverts stuck on them.

it was at night, as we were in the car. we only just got back from a supermarket, or were we going to one? there were those stationary fun-rides outside the supermarket, and i seem to remember some kind of commotion happening. was it because the supermarket was closing? was it really such a big deal, or was the incident magnified by my child's mind? were there really police lights and flash lights, breaking through the night darkness, as i recall right now? i think i see my mum hurrying out from the supermarket, but the supermarket looks closed. the brown, metal flaps were pulled down at the time, or were they? i think my small siblings were in the car, sleeping, or were they up and about as well, feeling the excitement and anxiousness i felt? what was happening, actually?

uncertain visions of the mind. i think they are subconscious memories of my life's early years. i'm unsure, though; are they just memories of dreams, instead? or did these scenes really happened before? or were they a mixture of both?

i guess i'll never find out.

i just read through Nico's blog, and there was this post...

it was a rather deep post, and difficult to understand. it was not as entertaining as his other posts.

but it caught my eye. probably because it was written from the heart. was it? ha.

i think i'd like to find blogs where their authors write on feelings and personal theories. it'd be interesting to read how others try to explain the abstractness of life.

but not now. i'll just get myself hooked up and everything academic will be shoved out of my brains.

"it looks nice, the picture."

she ended up taking pictures of the cup of tea that she got herself, the only warmth that seemed to be there that night.

minutes later she was walking barefooted to the lavish restrooms.

the carpet was soft, at least. everything else at that moment felt so cold.

she stripped off the fancy blue dress and put on her baggy long-sleeved shirt.

all the girls were startled and complained about it.

the dress looked so nice, they said.

they did not know how she'd felt. watching the other girls in other dresses, she felt lonely, blended in without belonging.

and now, in her baggy shirt, she felt happy. she got weird glances, and she was happy. she was her.

he noticed.

she finally felt the warmth of the tea within her, as she drank it in, instead of a cup of tea sitting on the table, looking nice.

i bought this new book today. it's original version is in Chinese; the one I got was printed by Tatt. Sdn. Bhd, Malaysia; the Malay version. i was actually looking for comics by Ben. i bought Innocent and Naive, two comic books with short stories inside. I really liked them; they were a good source of guide for my drawings. But everything by Ben was sold out at the newstand on ground floor centre point. My Way caught my attention; the cover was so pretty. i don't regret buying it. i hope i can get the second and third books. it's by Jidi. (寂地)

me and addmaths.

this, ladies and gentleman, is what you call a mutated pork butt.

since there are certain boys who just won't grow up despite their age (tsk tsk) i'd like to dedicate this post to the unveiling of the thing that lives outside my house, eats our food, bites our flesh and scent our house with garbage fragrance. people, let me introduce you to Coffee.

dog-breath gas! *choke choke* save yourself!! *faints*

we call him a lot of things. amongst these things are:

1. THING THING!! *high pitch voice* (my fav)

2. COFFEE!!

3. FEI ZHU JIAO!! translation: fat pork legs

4. KE AI!! translation: cutie

5. DONG SI!! translation: thing

6. BEAUTY!!

7. HANDSOME!!

but he only answers to his real name: COFFEE!! (smart of him. :)

i am so living life on the curb-side now.

been drifting for the past two days.

lalalalalalala~~

i'm beginning to parallel crushes to music.

your favorite song always seems the best at the moment, and you love it, how it can bring your soul to heights, that makes you feel something extraordinary.

but then, have you realized how your favorite song always changes?

crushes always seem like love at the moment, but they are not. they make us feel as though we've never felt 'that way' before.

but then, what about the crush you had the last time?

do you remember how you felt?

was the feeling similar to this time?

if you check carefully, and just force yourself to put aside all those dreams, and let your mind think logically, in silence, in the absence of those distracting emotions,

you will find that the feeling last time is similar to this time.

if so, then what's going to stop this time's crush from ending up like the last?

Are u ready for this? Answer all 90 questions in this survey and prove that you are really, really BORED! xD (got this from facebook. :)

1.Scared to fall in love?
: Nah.

Well, maybe a little.

Somewhat.

A lot.

Okay, yes, I am.

2.Whats the connection between you and the last person who texted you?
: Bestie. :)

3.Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
: yes, when i bring it to school. =P bad prefect kan, me??

4.What happened at 3:00 pm Yesterday?
: Sleeping... :)

5.What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
: Plain bread and jelly! :D

6.What do you want to happen?
: A lot. Get straight A1s in SPM, get my driver's license smoothly, go China again, go America, eat more chocolate and never get fat... And live for Him. :)

7.Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
: Neither! If I have a hood, I will put it up. :)

8.Whats your favorite song?
: Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney.

9.Whats your favorite thing to have on your bed?
: Soft things. Oh! And my bunny!! *hugs*

10.Whats the last text in your inbox say?
: Stanely SS, saying that he forgives us, and laughing shamelessly. XD

11.Hows your heart lately?
: Weak but more and more indestructible. :D

12.Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
: Erm... No.

13.What will you do tonight?
: Study a bit more, then sleep.

14.Can you sleep in jeans?
: Yeap.

15.Whats your favorite band?
: None.

16.Something you just dont understand?
: Boys, feelings, life.

17. Why?
: If I don't understand it, then how can I explain why I don't understand it?

18.Who was the last person you were in a car with?
: Mum and sister.

57 Girl Confessions

1. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
= well... i don't know. :)

2. A big poofy dress or a short party dress?
= Depends. I guess a short party dress. :)

3. What would you do if you received a long love letter?
= Read it, smile, keep it.

4. Group dates or single dates?
= Single.

5. Do you hate it when guys act different around their friends?
= I don't hate but I guess I won't like it.

6. Are diamonds a girl’s best friend?
= Nah.

7. Is your hair up or down today?
= Up.

8. Do you straighten your hair?
= Not really.

9. Favorite mascara?
= i don't use mascaras...

10. Do you get your nails done?
= no. :)

11. Small or large purses?
= depends on the occasion. if casual, i use wallets or just pockets. if formal parties, small purses.

12. In your purse, what are your must haves?
= my student card (useful for discounts!), small pictures of my friends (remind me of them), a few coins (for emergency calls).

13. Jeans or sweats?
= Jeans

14. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that’s uncomfortable?
= Yes, occasionally. When I'm forced to. :(

15. Do you text message a lot?
= Sometimes...

16. What would you do if you got pregnant?
= Depends who the father is. But I certainly won't go for abortion.

17. What’s your favorite color?
= Black. I like all colors, but the one I use most is black.

18. Heels or flats?
= Flats.

19. Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
= Romantic movie? No. :)

20. Would you ever leave the house without make-up on?
= I always do.

21. Walmart or Target?
= Neither.

22. Do you wear collared shirts?
= Of course.

23. Do you like preppy boys?
= Sure. :)

24. Do you think lip gloss is the best!?
= It's okay.

25. Do you own any big sunglasses?
= Nah. I want a pair, though. :D good for camwhoring!! LALAT! XD

26. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
= School: Quickest: seven minutes. Slowest: 35 minutes.
Going out: twenty minutes maximum. but usually one minute flat i'll be at the door, putting on my slippers. :D

27. Do you like to wear band-aids?
= yeah, if i'm wounded or cut, or feel like dressing up. :D

28. Do you like skater boys?
= I think they're cool, but not like like.

29. Do you often wish there was something you could change?
= Who doesn't?

30. Gold or silver?
= To keep, gold. To wear or use, silver.

31. Do you like to receive flowers?
= yes. :) but only from certain people. if you're not the right person it'll just put me off.

32. Do you like surfer boys?
= i don't know any. but the stereotypical type... not my type.

33. Do you dress up for the holidays?
= not really.

34. Do you like to wear dresseses?
= yes! :) i'm a girl.

35. On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you?
= i'd say around 5, 6.

36. In the last 48 hours have you hung out with a guy?
= alone? nah.

37. Would you date a guy shorter than you?
= i don't think so. :)

38. Do you like to hold hands?
= with? :)

39. What is the youngest you would date?
= my age.

40. What is the oldest you would date?
= well... age isn't my top priority in a guy... but i guess, say, four years older than i am would be the limit.

41. What do you notice when you first meet a guy?
= logically, his physical appearance, of course. then how quiet he is. i think that's what i always subconsciously remember most about guys. their silence gauge. :)

42. Is it hott when guys sweat?
= i guess it should be hot, since they're sweating? okay, okay. errm... i don't know. i don't think i'd think that it's hot. :)

43. What is the best feature in a guy?
= physically? it varies with everyone. :)

44. Do you like making eye contact?
= not really.

46. Would you kill for chocolate?
= hmm... XD

47. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
= I did. Pathetic but it was fun. :)

48. On a scale from 1-10 how fun is shopping?
= 5.

49. Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?
= Not really. I don't think so.

50. Do you yell a lot?
= Nah.

51. Do you wear sweatpants/pajamas to school/work?
= Sweatpants, maybe, for physical education.

52. Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
= I think I will, sooner or later. The pressure getting to me.

53. Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?
= Mushy? XD I guess so!

54. What makeup could you not live w/ out?
= I don't makeup, but if i do, i guess i'd really need the eyeliner. :)

55. Do you fall in love easily?
= I love everyone easily, but romance love, no, it's difficult for me to develop. But fall? Yes. I get crushes like a monkey loves bananas.

56. Do you have cramps?
= Unfortunately... T___T

57. Do you think you have the bestest friend ever?
= FriendS! :D Yes!

i wish the rain can fall more heavily... drown out the sound of my typing... i'm not supposed to be online now.

i did not study at all the entire day. even MELISSA'S studying, and she's like, the most honest procrastinator i know.

gosh, this is horrible. i wonder if i can get top five at all.

i know there's only one chapter for each subject to study on, (for this test only anyway) however, my goal's not to get all As. my goal's the beat the rest, and how am i supposed to do that when i'm wasting my time whilst the rest are studying like there's no tomorrow?

i don't want the fame or the assurance that i'm doing well in my studies.

i only want the laptop, waiting for me faithfully somewhere in Kota Kinabalu, waiting for his useless mistress to score her top five and bring him home... sobs.

here's a survey from facebook. i malas nak do it in FB because it lags a lot, and it doesn't paste everything that i copy.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
; 9.30am.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
; diamonds for sure! haven't you read The Pearl? Pearls are evil... Haha... Except for Pearls whose surnames are Liew. :D

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
; Hmm.. Bolt.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
; SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, Fairly Odd Parents, ect kiddy shows...

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
; Bread, peanut butter and jelly, and hazelnut coffee~ <33

6. What is your favorite cuisine?
; Err... Mixed. I really appreciate Indian food, though. XD Love Krishna's or Jothy's, bring me there at anytime and chances are I'll pig out! :D

7. What is your middle name?
; Erm... Melia? XD

8. What food do you dislike?
; Seaweed anything, seaweed, weeds that come from the sea...

9. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
; None. :)

10. What kind of car do you drive?
; Not yet. I plan to get myself a Corolla, though. I don't know why, I love it very much. Especially the jade green or maroon red ones. Oooh~

11. Favorite sandwich?
; Peanut Butter and Jelly!!

12. What characteristic(s) do you despise?
; Well... Backstabbing-ness... (is that a characteristic?)

13. Favorite item of clothing?
; Ah! If you see me out often, you'll notice that i always wear this faded, green-blue jeans skirt with a few black, paint spots that won't come off. Love it. Had it since I was in Primary Six.

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be?
; Right now? China, or L.A.

15. What is the color of your bathroom?
; Dirty white.

16. What is your favorite brand of clothing?
; Hmm... None, but I am fond of Bodyglove more than the rest. :) More my style.

17. What was your most memorable birthday?
; AH!!! T___T Sixteenth! Sixteenth!! Nothing can beat that, NOTHING.

18. What is your favorite sport?
; Oh! Oh! Swimming, badminton, volleyball (thnks to Cikgu Jegan, haha) but i guess i love to dance most. :)

19. What's the furthest place you're going to send this?
; My blog? XD

20. Who do you least expect to send this back to you?
; No one?

21. Who do you think will send this back first?
; What for?

22. When is your birthday?
; October 6th.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
; Night without a doubt.

24. What is your shoe size?
; 6, 7? bowling shoes 5 lah. confusing.

25. How tall are you?
; 163cm... and i never seem to grow taller... T__T

26. Pets?
; Coffee the Barfer.

27. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
; :D new, yes. exciting, yes. share? :P

28. What did you want to be when you were little?
; how little? teacher, vet, doctor, writer... :) pretty much the same things.

29. How are you today?
; okay... :)

30. What is your favorite sweet?
; fruitplus!! :D

31. What is your favorite flower?
; roses, sunflowers, and camellias... ;)

32. What is a date on the calendar you looking forward to?
; nah.

33. Are you married?
; no.

34. What is your favorite hobby?
; recently, sleep, online, iPod.

35. What is your life-quote?
; banyak... :)

it's 1.38am.

i'm listening to music, but, probably for the first time, i realize that, however nice, however beautiful the music is, how nice it makes me feel, the song will never understand what's going on in my heart.

so now, instead of wallowing my emotions in the song, i feel a certain barrier between the music and i.

it pounds through the earphones, but it doesn't reach the inside of my chest anymore. it's strangely quiet inside there.

i can feel it. but i still appreciate it.

i can borrow the music, wave my emotions into it, like a piece of cloth, to put it together, instead of being messy like strands of cotton.

at least, that's what i picture in my mind. i don't really know what's going on inside my heart.

i don't feel anything strong. just mixed feelings.

a certain, apathetic pity for the guy who died today, a story told by a friend.

then something rather fun, incited by Nico, someone new i met.

then something cold, for the guy i've known for quite a long time.

oh, yeah. that's right. i don't know if i know him.

1. When was the last time you saw the person who absolutely takes your breath away?
----- haha, a long, long, last, last, time ago. :)

2. Are you waiting for something/someone?
----- hmmm... that's one way of putting it.

3. Last friendster message you received from?
----- no more friendster for me. :D okay a little bit but.

4. Does anyone hate you?
----- nah... i'm so nice. *vain much*

5. Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
----- yeeaaaa.... *irritate MelC* yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i haaaavvveee...

6. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
----- yes! of course!

7. Are you a jealous person?
----- i'm the greengirl! :D i get jealous and envious... but it brings positive stress on me to do better. :D

8. Do you get 8 hours of sleep everyday?
----- more than... :) but i don't get them at night.

9. Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
----- NO! MelC's my bestie! :D

10. What are you going to do after this?
----- well... try to study... note: try.

11. How’s the weather today?
----- okay ah.

12. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
----- nope. i don't want to be.

13. When’s the next time you’ll see your closest friend?
----- tuesday!

14. What were you doing this morning at 7am?
----- snore snore.

15. What are you listening to?
----- Crazy by Natalie.

16. Is there anything that you are craving right now?
----- nah.

17. What do you need to be doing right now?
----- studying... T__T

19. Who do you hate?
----- Satan...

20. Do you think you’re a serious person?
----- well, yeah. :) relatively speaking.

21. What was the last thing you drank?
----- water... big fan of water.

22. What are you going to do tomorrow?
----- study study study.

23. How have you felt today?
----- happy. :) but useless. :(

24. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
----- snore snore.

25. Where is your bestfriend right now?
----- home!

26. Do you tell your best friend EVERYTHING?
----- nah. not because i don't want to. :)

27. What were you doing at noon yesterday?
----- home, sleeping.

28. Are you gonna be home alone tonight?
----- nope.

29. Who/What made you upset yesterday?
----- hmm. forgot.

30. Do you sing in the shower?
------ no. tried. the water liked going into my mouth. i guess i sing horrible. XD

31. Do you know somebody who has the same birthday as yours?
----- yeap.

32. Do you trust all of your friends?
----- with certain things only. :) for their own good.

33. What color are your bedroom walls?
----- dirty white.

34. Anything you wish you could tell someone but can’t?
----- i guess, yes. :) i can't because it will freak them out.

35. Do you hate dogs?
----- i love em! :)

36. Did you ever get kid’s meals from McDonald’s just for the toys?
----- maybe? *snigger*

37. What is(are) your favorite color(s)?
----- black. black. maybe green. oh, did i mention black?

38. Who was the first person you talked to today?
----- mum. she knocked on my door so i was like, "yes!! i'm awake already bah!!" (half awake anyway. after that i went back to sleep.)

39. What time did you sleep last night?
----- quite early... 12+...

40. Do you want to live with your friends?
----- yes!! that'd be so much FUN!! OMO

what an unproductive day. :(

charging my iPod now.

went to church, was in charge of Sunday School (it was better than i expected), bought Jerry's KRS shirt from Tong Yi, came home then... Drifted around in the house... In and out... Slept.... Slept some more....

i dig my toes into the sand

the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket

i lean against the wind

pretend that i'm weightless

and in this moment, i am happy.

i wish you were here.

i lay my head unto the sand.

the sky resembles a backlit canopy with holes punched in it.

i'm counting UFOs

i signal them with my lighter

and in this moment i am happy.

i wish you were here.

my mum's out, my sister's doing muffins, my brother's watching television, and i'm online.

for the third time today.

behind my mum's back.

i don't know why i have to online so much. like last night. i only slept at two.

six hours later, additional math tuition was gouging my eyes out.

i don't feel like a very good friend right now. maybe a good friend, but not a bestfriend.

it's okay. i've met people in the past that claimed they did not have bestfriends. at that time, i was shocked. like, how can anyone NOT have a bestfriend? it was not like they were anti-social freaks or something. even I have bestfriends.

but now i know. it's not anyone's fault. it's just fact, i guess, that i really don't deserve to be called someone's bestfriend. i don't do anything for them, and they have better friends than me. automatically i'm not the best anymore, doesn't that make sense?

i think i'm only taking shelter under Stanely's gang. i appreciate them very much... There are times when i feel so protected, being part of the gang. these times are very fleeting moments, but still. as though no one dares to get on my wrong side because they know i'm one of these Amanah coolies.

Seriously, they're really cool. Not the cream of the school (that would be the top prefects), but also part of the top society in KKHS. Influential, powerful; the lower forms definitely can't beat them, and the form six are not as experienced in school and as well-grounded as they are. the teachers dislike them, but have to give way because these are potential straight-A students, popular and can do major damage if they want to. not that if there's a battle the teachers would lose; they'd win, but they'll suffer big losses.

well, that's what i think of the gang anyway. (the gang consists of Daphne, Stanely, Melissa, Pearl, Rowena. Aubrey is kinda like a branch out. I think i am too.)

they'll disagree with me, but from where i stand, that's what i see.

listening to Beautiful Soul right now. =D i never seem to get tired of it. it's the only favorite song of mine that i've never exhausted the love out of.

recently i get the feeling that there are certain guys who are, well, preparing to flirt with me. i mean, they are not flirting, but i can see the change in their attitude when they converse with me. i don't know why... maybe it's because of the inner change i went through in the past week?

i gotta admit, it feels good to be liked. :D on the other hand, if they do start to flirt, then i'll have to make a choice, whether to entertain that or to ignore it. i'll definitely ignore it.

the Melia i know will ignore it..

i don't change my personal message so often anymore. i used to, everytime i online, and there are certain people who are on as well, i'll keep changing my personal messages to suit my mood and feelings. to, sort of, let out my feelings.

but i guess i finally realized that no one gives a damn about it. who would? i don't blame them. there are probably tens of people online, and everyone has a personal message with different meanings to them. they'll only care if that someone's a certain someone.

i'm like that too, now. last time i tried to change this attitude of mine. i made myself think about each personal message, what it'd mean, because if that person puts out a personal message, it must be something deep for him or her.

think about it. every personal message that you put, it's either some lyrics that you feel deeply about, or a quote to match your current life. something... worth thinking about.

that was what i thought. past tense. i don't really care anymore. i still have the urge to change my personal messages, but i can control it now. i've gotta learn to be more practical.

i feel very comfortable around Keele. =D maybe it's because i know he won't get angry easily. he stands by his principles. i've seen him 'in action' before so i know. a very cool guy, one of the hidden coolies in a movie called life. haha.

how would you know, what you don't know,

you can't feel the light, it's only visual.

you only see what you already believe in,

would you ever lean, on something unseen?

the hidden stars, lest she hides alone.
it's a nothing night sky to you.

how did she fall in love with you

how did she fall in love with you

the tidal waves continue crashing the rocks,

but somewhere within, everything stopped.

don't you think that, this story's so sad.

like golden dust in sand.

you will finally see that what you believe in,

will change again and again.

the falling stars, lest you fall alone,
are with you, wherever you go.

your treasures will turn to dust,

the unwanted will be needed much,

and faith will strengthen everytime you fall.

your sight will fade, new visions come,

the unseen will be seen and touched,

and you will find all the hidden stars.

- March 6th 2009

親愛的聽眾朋友我是你的代班DJ

想找你陪我一起聊聊這世界

整天的工作重複疲憊的畫面

麻木你的感覺

耳邊才剛剛聽到仇恨要靠理智解決

謾蔗M子彈卻在那頭滿天飛

學了一輩子的愛沒勇氣說出來

彌補那些傷害

你和我 在世界同一座擂台

別懦弱 拿出勇氣對待

讓眼痊y出來不是因為失敗

幸福那個夢

就看你和我 你和我 你和我

那麼多的人只敢窩在網絡裡面生存

慢慢都忘記計算機屏幕沒靈魂
科技的發達讓人的距離被拉開 再也拉不回來

你和我 在世界同一座擂台 別懦弱 拿出勇氣對待
讓眼痊y出來不是因為失敗 幸福那個夢 就看你和我
你和我 你和我 你和我 你和我(我們做得到yeah)
你和我也沒什麼不一樣 該學習地球如何分享
為什麼我們概 記 怎 麼 擁 有 簡 單 的 大 愛
that's right, 你和我 我們都要做的更好
你和我 在世界同一座擂台 別懦弱 拿出勇氣對待
讓眼 流出來不是因為失敗 幸福那個夢 就看你和我
你和我 你和我 你和我

going for literature later. i'm wondering if melissa and pearl are making the right decision by taking English Literature.

I mean, it's really good and beneficial, it opens your mind a lot and trains you in writing and giving opinions.

But then good things don't come for free... A lot of time needs to be spent if you want a guaranteed A1. By a lot of time, i don't mean that you have to sit and study. Nevertheless, you do have to spend a lot of time thinking about social issues, world problems, and read a lot.

___________________________________________________________________

i have reason to believe that crushes can be controlled if you have enough experience and will-power to do so. =D

ARGH APPEAR YOU ADORABLE LITTLE IDIOT, APPEAR AND REPLY ME!!!

i digress.

one of the things in life that i've just realized about is that sometimes, there are things that you already realized and know about, but you just never really thought about it in words, processed through your mind.

now i have one. i'll attempt to put it into words.

you know sometimes how underappreciated you feel? like, you've done something for someone, and someone else gets the credit, or maybe you're not acknowledged, or the something you did went wrong and even though you put a lot of effort into it, no one will ever know because nothing came out of it?

i guess, humans are blind that way.

you, too, will never be able to see some of the things that someone did for you. you too, sometimes unknowingly bypass someone. you will also sometimes ignore something small that someone had put a lot of effort into, for you, because it looked small, because it did not turn out as fantastic as that 'someone' actually wanted it to be for you.

it's not your fault.

no one's at fault, because humans are blind that way.

then there are those humans, those silent, quiet humans.

over the years, after seventeen long years, i think i'm finally beginning to appreciate them. the real life 'cool' people.

there are those fictional characters who are so cool, and so many people love them, seeing how they go through difficulties in such a cool manner.

in some movies or anime series, there will be at least one character, one cool character, who is silent, rational, and valiant.

examples? Ueki from Law of Ueki; those guys and that short haired girl from BLEACH; Light and L from Death Note...

these are only fictional.

i'm starting to see real-life cool people around me. how awesome is that? :)

they are like normal people outside, laughing and talking like an ordinary character they're like that side-character in the Anime series, or the extra in the movie.

but inside's that coolness that will gleam once in a while, and someone will accidentally see it.

ahh... i get so immature sometimes. it's okay, i'm learning.

things were better today. things almost always get better in the morning, after a night's sleep. that does not change the facts, of course, but at least you'd feel better.

like always, i have a lot to say here, but i don't know why i don't say them. :)

what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.

i finally managed to get the song. i posted the lyrics and translated this before, but i just have to do it one more time. i like the lyrics that much :D

太高兴了！！！XDXD

嘿 變成大人才知道

光著腳到不了的地方

長大
長高 還是到不了

嘿 不再冒險犯難了

放開了夢想追求成

那是 需要 還是一種炫耀

要拼到第幾回合

能不能 夠不夠 我不知道

想一想下半輩子 這麼過 有點糟

也许男人只是不知道

什麼時候應該求饒 再年輕一次多好

要愛到第幾個人

停一停 看一看 是個問號
只能等下半輩子 一起哭 一起笑

好聽聽自已的心跳
人生不算無可救藥

我這一輩子總要 為自已煩惱

I only realized, after growing up, that there are places that I can never reach only on foot, even after I grow up and grow tall. Don't want to risk trouble anymore. Let go of my dreams to achieve success. Was that necessary? Or just something to boast about?

How many more rounds must I go through? Can I do it? Is it enough? I don't know. Thinking about the next half of my life; living it like that, it's a bit disastrous. Maybe men only don't know when to beg. If only we were young once again. How many more must I love? Stop and see; it's a question mark. Can only wait for the next part of my life. Sharing tears and laughter. Listening to my own heartbeat, life's not as bad as it seems. My life will have to worry over me.

i won't delete my last post lah. next time i read through my blog again i'll see it and remember how stupid i was.

i'll get through this. no reason why i can't. small thing, actually.

thanks Melissa... and Jeffrey. :)